Thou Shall Not Commit Parenting Sins

05.02.2017

Parenting is single handedly one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. Everywhere you turn, someone is telling you not to do something because it will put your kid in therapy for the rest of his or her life, and then someone else is saying to do the exact opposite.

It is so confusing, and early on, I nearly put myself in a blind state of panic every hour. Now that I am a seasoned mommy, I’ve learned that mostly parenting is winging it, hopefully better than my eyeliner. Nowadays, I commit a few parenting sins regularly, so sit down, pull up a chair, and listen to my not so sorry confessional.

Co-Sleeping

Lawd. Imagine sleeping halfway off a king-sized bed, and are woken by kicks to the stomach and a giant wet spot that you KNOW you didn’t leave. Welcome to co-sleeping. I literally either sleep on the tiny edge of my king-sized bed with Bodie draped over me or with him kicking and pushing me. He has the entire middle section, but no, he chooses to sleep literally on top of me.

My favorite pastime is him kicking me in the bladder while I am desperately trying not to pee myself because I can’t get up. Why can’t I stealthily roll out the bed? Well, I tried that once and he fell out. The holding it is nowhere near as bad as waking him up by kissing the floor.

Full disclosure, I have even thought of peeing in one of his diapers I keep beside the bed. Usually, I just carry him to the bathroom while he is asleep, then drag my PJs at my feet until I get back to the bed to lay him down.

Ever tried to sleep next to your snoring husband and NOT dream of smothering him with a pillow? Well, my little man takes after his dad and snores like a middle-aged man. So, yeah, that’s fun. He does like to sleep with his arm tightly around my neck, which, yes tugs at my heart strings, but it also gets very constricting. The best part of this sin, Bodie is super cranky in the mornings and is sometimes an butt by kicking me when he is mad. I mean, it isn’t MY fault the sun rose that morning!

Junk Food

We all want our kids to eat healthy and grow, but have you ever tried to routinely feed your kid healthy food? They have built in radars in their little bodies that detect veggies like bloodhounds. Go ahead, try sneaking cauliflower into their spaghetti or zucchini in the brownies, I freaking dare you!

You aren’t a parent until you have locked yourself into the pantry or bathroom to shovel 4 years’ worth of Easter candy into your mouth, all while your kids are sticking their hands under the door like little stalkers demanding where you are.

Nothing is more nerve wrecking than trying to silently unwrap a candy wrapper so you don’t have to share. Kids can’t hear you ask them to clean their rooms, but open a candy wrapper and those little boogers hear it from two houses down.

Now, I don’t even fight it. I serve chicken tenders and fries four days a week like a boss because he is getting protein, vegetables and fruits. Technically ketchup is a fruit.

Lying

You haven’t been a parent until your kid asks where his treasured candy wrapper from the ground three days ago is, and you calmly say you have no idea knowing full well you chucked it in the trash not even five minutes ago. Lying is an hourly requirement as a parent. How else do you get them to behave?

Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy are all some of the common lies. Ever googled “lies parents tell”? Please go do it, after you read this blog post of course, and get some great ideas for your kids and much needed giggles for you. We all do it. Hell, it is the only way to get through the day.

Screen Time

I think the person who invited automatic play on Netflix and Amazon deserves sainthood. Nothing helps a parent out more than screen time. The pediatrician asked me just the other day, how much screen time I allow, and I lied through my teeth saying no more than thirty minutes a day. I literally had to stop the urge to duck and cover, searching for the lightening coming down to strike me.

I use screen time to go to the bathroom by myself, take a shower, or if I am feeling especially brave, work out. Mostly, I divide my days into increments of show times instead of actual minutes and hours. Like bugs drawn to a bug zapper, kids will do almost anything to zone out to Paw Patrol or the latest Disney movie. Feeling guilty? Channel Elsa and LET IT GO!

Yelling

This is perhaps my most frequent sin. I really do try to be calm and immolate Mother Theresa, but damn if parenting doesn’t push every button I have. There is nothing like trying to get your kids to find their shoes and get out the door in the morning. It is so easy to go from using a Mary Poppins voice to a Batman growl when a toddler is stubbornly refusing all help to put on shoes.

The not so affectionally term “mom voice” is code for, oh snap, Mom went from June Cleaver to psycho, better listen to her now. Are you rolling your eyes with me? Live through a season of witching hours, the time after school to bed time, and then try to put your kid to sleep, without having to negotiate better than any seasoned lawyer. If you don’t yell at least once, I will bow down to you, for you MUST be an angel.

Parenting is so rewarding, don’t get me wrong. However, if you don’t approach the many trials of parenting without some humor, survival seems iffy. Don’t worry, no one is perfect. The sooner you make peace with your parenting sins, the sooner we can all crack open a bottle of wine and confess to one another. It takes a village people. So, cheers to all my parenting friends. Down that glass of well-deserved adult beverage and know that after all, tomorrow is another day!

PS- Tons of new stuff coming in this week and next!